squeakcake

(3/7/2025):

hello ~ ! welcome to my little blog. this page is still under construction.

xXmouseblogXx

(3/7/2025):

okay, i'll check back later. nya!

squeakcake

(4/19/2025):

today was finally a good day. i found the will to get out of bed and properly go outside. i attended the local 'No Kings' protest, and it was encouraging to see a turnout of over 2,000. the energy and optimism of the crowd together with the pleasant, spring weather was refreshing and provided me a day's worth of positive vibes. as a result, i feel i have just enough motivation to write down a few thoughts about the current state of my life - i'm giving the journaling technique a try, i guess.

by the end of 2023, i felt that my mental health had greatly improved from the prior year, i was beginning to set new life goals and pursue the things i value, stepping outside of my comfort zone to socialize more and build some confidence; i even looked back on a year of art that i was proud of, something i had struggled to achieve for a long time. but this optimistic high quickly dissipated in 2024, and since then, my mental illness has manifested with new tactics: i'm experiencing paralyzing fatigue and executive dysfunction like i've never had before, and it has lasted for over a year now, greatly increasing my anxiety and depression, dimming my outlook on the near future. i don't understand what caused this drastic mood shift and what explains its persistence, unknowns that really worry me. nine out of ten days, i feel incapable of breaking through this invisible wall and maintaining the momentum needed for productivity, to even work on creative outlets or self-enrichment. i believe that i manage my emotions far better than in the past thanks largely to medication and therapy, but i now feel like i've lost just as much ground in this new, uncharted territory (this executive dysfunction). on any given day, whether i find the inspiration to draw a new picture or listen to a lecture, to write this blog entry, it feels dependent on pure luck.

and while i do feel rather directionless lately, i don't believe that that is the cause of this struggle; it feels almost like it's something physical, some extreme form of burnout, but it simply won't go away. and when i can't act on the things i am "supposed" to do according to societal/family expectations - focusing on my career advancement, for instance - i wish i could at least find the motivation to create art, invest in hobbies, learn new skills. these are the things i want to be doing; why can't i break through that wall for the things i want to do? enter the existential, the feeling that i am running out of time when there's already so much lost time make up for. i so badly wish to be motivated enough, mentally well enough, to accomplish... anything at all... and further, to have so many more meaningful experiences. the clock is ticking. and as i dwell on it, it all compounds with my internalized feelings of failure, emptiness, hopelessness, my overall lack of identity or sense of self.

then, as 2024 drew to a close, i became unemployed, bringing a huge sense of relief; i would take it as an opportunity to work more aggressively on my mental health because something absolutely needed to change. as such, i spent three months between a partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient program, both which were greatly beneficial at the time. i learned to incorporate a handful of new DBT skills, specifically 'urge surfing' and 'opposite action' which have helped me mitigate certain self-destructive behaviors brought on by strong emotion or insecurity. these skills, as helpful as they are as it relates to my (self-diagnosed) borderline, have done little to pull me out of this standstill of executive dysfunction.

so, where does this leave me at present? leaps and bounds ahead of where i was 2-3 years ago, no doubt; practicing mindfulness with more regularity; managing my intense feelings and urges more easily. yet, i am frustratingly aware that i lack the skills to combat the unknowns beneath this more-recent paralysis and fatigue. i am desparate to understand what is at the cause of these symptoms; i have so many freedoms to choose what i do next in life, and i want to put in the work to remove these walls so i can use my time to the fullest. i want to get out of bed and properly go outside every day, to allow myself community and creativity and recreation, all while working on self-improvement and finiding stability. i still have so much to learn.

today was finally a good day, though, and i will try to capitalize on those when i get such luck. i chose to use today's energy to type this out, the very first journal entry on my site. my hope is that this sufficiently catches my blog up to speed and provides a starting point for what i hope is an increasingly postivie future. i do hope i will continue this writing practice periodically to track my state of mind over time; document progress or setbacks relating to personal wellbeing, to creative projects, to professional plans; and to remind myself of my values and goals, cheerlead for myself. this blog is perfect for such an outlet, and i enjoy being able to put my little site to use!

my next step this week is to meet with a new psychiatrist to discuss whether my meds need an overhaul. i know i need professional help to figure out what's up with me, so that's where i'm starting. i might also work on some of these arts this week: cute 420 scene, trans-colored vore pic, secret smut, maybe something with paws?? lastly, i should try to will myself out of bed and go to the gym this upcoming Monday morning, hopefully setting the tone for the week. please, dog. please, give me a good week; call me a good girl. arf arf arf

xXmouseblogXx

(4/20/2025):

lmao i was so high when you sent that ...i'm happy for u tho ...or sorry that happened. happy 4/20 btw! =^w^=

squeakcake

(4/20/2025):

you bring up a good point... i will also need to take a break from the THC starting Monday, as hard as that may be. ;-;

squeakcake

(5/1/2025):

okay, so, i lasted approx. a week before succumbing to weed's temptation. but y'know what? i feel fine about it. i'm high right now, and i feel so chill. the other day i got the inspiration to start making my next page on the site, a sort of "collections" page dedicated to my irl plushies (found here). though still a work in progress, i'm happy with the addition; i enjoy the mixed media and i think it's turning out so cute! i credit my return to weed for this. c:

in other news, i started playing on a gamecube for the first time this week (in 2025!!) - i've started pokemon colosseum. it's been such a nice way to end my day, smoking a little weed, eating discounted easter chocolate, playing a little bit of the pokemon i missed out on in childhood. i just adore the 3D models for the pokemon in this game, and their little animations are just darling; it's making me want to learn blender so badly!

anyway, it's been a pretty good week, nothing too eventful outside of a slight boon to my creative outlets; but more importantly, my mood has improved since last week, and i've also been sleeping so much better. there is another protest today for May Day, but sadly i feel too low energy to drag myself into the city. i will instead try to run a few errands since i do have the capacity to do those now. lastly, tomorrow i will be updating my driver's license to have my chosen name! while it's exciting, i am not ready to have my picture taken lol

xXmouseblogXx

(5/1/2025):

i'm so proud of you girlie!

squeakcake

(5/11/2025):

heyy mouseblog ~ how have you been? c:

xXmouseblogXx

(5/11/2025):

hey Maddie, thanks for asking! UwU i'm doing well; though, lately i've been considering breaking out of containment. how are you??

squeakcake

(5/11/2025):

aww, i'm wishing you luck! let me know if you need any help with that!!

I've been doing pretty okay myself, continuing to ride the recent high (no pun intended). i'm trying to take advantage of these days and weeks where i'm feeling more stable, motivated, and allowing myself self care. mindfulness has helped. by being more cognizant of what my capacity is each day, i feel like i'm more appreciative of how i spend my downtime; i'm more thankful for what productivity i can manage.

i did end up watching some blender tutorials this week and spent some time familiarizing myself with the program. and i ended up making THIS! i still have a lot to learn about this whole 3D thing, but i look forward to practicing more.

i also finished playing Pokemon colosseum. i enjoyed it! the pokemon and their animations were adorable, the battles were fun, and the story was passable. i didn't play the post-game because i felt i already got what i wanted out of the game, which was mostly just enjoying the cute little pokemon and the gamecube-era graphics. hehe

even though the story wasn't super gripping, i was honestly a little disappointed it wasn't longer; it felt like there could have been an additional city or area to explore. the player character (who i named mouse) was also extremely two-dimensional, and it didn't help that the side character (who i named cheese) did all of the talking for him. one other criticism i have is that there's no eevee?? i gave it a 6/10. hmm, maybe the next page on the site could be game reviews lol

so, about the gamecube. i bought it a couple years ago when i had disposable income. i bought it because i wanted to make up a little bit of lost childhood by playing things i felt i missed out on--on their original console. i'm glad i finally played it! i'll try out a few more gamecube games eventually, but colosseum was a pleasant start. :3

i was also able to be a little productive this week: i did some cleaning around the house, i ran some errands, i dusted out the inside of my PC, i put up a windchime, and i got outside more. i have noticed a slight bit of desire to revisit making a gameplan for getting my life together. i feel like i'm on the verge of being ready to start considering/reevaluating life goals. fingers crossed.

i am also waiting for a 2D drawing idea to come to me, a next project. there were a few things i started drawing that didn't pan out; i might retry them. there is a stained glass window styled comic i would like to make, but i need to brainstorm it a little longer.

for the upcoming week, i hope i can take some time to contemplate new goals and gauge what my capacity is to start on those goals. i also hope to resume some form of at-home workout, to finish a new art piece, to start a new game. choices choices

xXmouseblogXx

(5/11/2025):

owo good luck~! also, you should draw kinky fetishes with our sonas :3c

squeakcake

(5/25/2025):

i'm at the lake this weekend. it's pleasant. it feels nice to step away from my PC for a few days; being online so much really causes a lot of unwanted stress.. this is why i really want more irl community, but that's not something I've ever really experienced in my life. since my last message, i did push myself to attend a local trans group (i was really anxious and awkward but i'm glad i went despite the discomfort/insecurity), and I've been keeping my eye on some local furry meetups which i may or may not attempt to attend. of course, i'm still trying to be more social online as well. i have been more chatty lately, playing games and calling with friends more often. for instance, i got really high with my friend neo over discord, we watched the matrix, and then we parallel played hollow knight while they streamed on twitch. also, that was the first time i watched the matrix and i really liked it. i am talking about marathoning the trilogy with neo sometime soon. but yeah, i'd love to stream games myself, it's just hard to gather friends to watch. (btw, if you're interested, you can see my first stream here!) . anyway. i hope to visit a couple good friends next month and possibly discuss a cedar point trip this summer. there's also a friend i really want to kiss so bad. *dreamy sigh* AHEM, so, that's a few positive socializations in the works! c: I've also greatly improved my emotional response to the ebbs and flows of relationships, the coming and going of closeness over time, not trying to force things that simply aren't meant to work out and trying not to take it so personally. i can't keep putting energy into agonizing over every social interaction.

as far as productivity goes, it dipped a little bit this past week. i didn't quite do all of my goals...workout. i did start the stained glass project last weekend, with an abundance of assistance and teaching from my friend, wren, who always blows my mind with her software knowledge - i am unworthy!! unfortunately, i kinda hit some art block soon after, and i also began playing a lot of darkest dungeon. lol I'm trying to give myself some grace when it comes to productivity, but there are still a lot of projects i would like to be working on, a lot started but unfinished. i hope that upon returning from this weekend's little vacation, i can return with some inspiration to create something new. as i mentioned previously, i feel like I'm on the verge of feeling ready to consider the possibility of potentially preparing to start looking into planning a strategy for taking steps toward brainstorming the next phase of my life. thid crazy sentence is meant to emphasize how difficult i'm finding it to actually get the ball rolling. i also don't really know what i want to do with my life. i feel like a lot of these questions have became uncertain since beginning my transition. dysphoria definitely plays into it, too, and my social transitioning has been anxiety-ridden. so, i search for jobs that i could get excited about applying for, only to be met with some sort of motivation paralysis. it's been persistent for the past year. i do wonder how much HRT factors into it. anyway, i get home on Tuesday and have a few tasks on my agenda to keep moving forward; i am able to get some life things done, but it's just been at a snail's pace. still something.

lately i feel like i can't see the world around me properly; every time i go out it feels like i'm walking through a surreal movie, i don't feel present, spaced out all the time. ...well that came out of nowhere... i know some of this message sounds a bit pessimistic, but i'm still feeling generally optimistic. i just need to break through whatever this invisible mental block is. one theory i have is that i'm experiencing some side effect of that "second puberty" shit in terms of my maturity - i feel like i just want to... like, chill? fuck adult responsibilities. but also in terms of insecurity and sense of self. i kinda feel entitled to get some of my time back from the teen years i felt robbed of, to have fun, be slutty and figure out who i am. but at the same time, i don't want to live like this in perpetuity! i want to get back on top of my career and my financial and living situation, i want to work and get some stability. so, i gotta find a balance there. but i also dwell on the bombardment of terrifying news in the world and become somewhat scared of the idea of trying to get back to a state of independence in the face of potential looming economic shocks. i wish i had furry friends to roommate with, to face the end of the world together. weh

anyway! i'll hopefully do a little work this week to goal set and such. i need some sort of structure too. BUT, i'm on vacation right now, so i'm gonna get back to playing Ori and the Blind Forest while staring out upon a beautiful Michigan lake. thanks for listening to my ramble. seeya!!!

EDIT: i finished Ori and it was beautiful. (8.5/10)

xXmouseblogXx

(5/26/2025):

whoa, that's a lot. can you send a tldr?

xXmouseblogXx

(5/26/2025):

happy memorial day 🏳️‍🌈

squeakcake

(6/9/2025):

things have been a little hectic since my last message - small family emergency ate up ~a week of time. despite that, i still feel refreshed from the recent vacation and motivated to keep working on life stuff. as a result, i've been more focused on "irl" tasks this last week. also some spring cleaning :) i'm going to keep working on improving, taking care of myself, and keeping routines, better habits. i want to prepare a good foundation for the upcoming year. exciting! anyway, that's why things have been quiet on the art front. but i have some things planned soon, including more updates to the website! here's a little mouse gaming as a treat for now.

ALSO, i have a boyfriend now 🥰 he is such a sweet, adorable angel and i love him so much ~! i'm scurrying in circles!!

xXmouseblogXx

(6/9/2025):

i'm glad things seem to be continually improving :D you and matti are so cute!!

squeakcake

(7/4/2025):

hey mouseblog - long time no squeak! i kept procrastinating this journal because i had too many unorganized thoughts swirling in my tiny mouse brain. thankfully, june continued to be a productive month; i could honestly copy paste a lot of what i said in my last message. i have been "taking care of myself, and keeping routines, better habits," by decluttering my physical environment, consolidating and downsizing the number of possessions i hold onto. by taking better care of my body, particularly with daily hygiene, like skin and hair care (roughly two years into my transition i am starting to feel closer to a body i want to take care of). speaking of transition, i took my first estradiol injection this week! yay needles!

this month i also took majors steps as part of my social transition. for the entirety of 2024, i essentially stayed hidden and isolated in my apartment, feeling overwhelmed with social anxiety and dysphoria. i was sorta trying to keep my transition hidden as long as possible. i hadn't even invested in clothing to express my gender identity because i had no confidence to do so. well, in the last month or so, i finally began the arduous task of building my wardrobe. i'm still training my eye for putting together outfits, but i now have a few that get me a tiny bit closer to gender euphoria.

on another note, i don’t know if i relate so much to the feeling of having gone through a second puberty (maybe because my initial puberty felt pretty unremarkable), but in some ways i have felt it, like in a mental, emotional, psychological way, i guess? honestly, it has been kinda annoying. like, it involves a lot a self-discovery that is very disruptive to my life! lol i feel like i’ve regressed in my maturity, my responsibilities suffer, my desire to just chill is massive, i wanna be younger than i am and save the adult stuff for the future. is this related to my transition? idk it kinda feels like it honestly?

i’m trying to grow up again, but it’s so gradual. ugh. ...y’know, a lot of that “ugh” is due to the fact i feel lots of pressure from my family to get my shit together ASAP. i really do want to give myself the time it takes to figure myself out, get to a place mentally where i feel confident to take the next step (careerwise, mainly). i don’t think my family really understands mental illness, nor the anxiety that comes with transitioning. further, they are extremely ignorant of the dread many of us are feeling regarding our country’s swift descent into fascism and economic turmoil. [REDACTED] doesn't it make it feel like a big life move would be kinda risky right now? i’m trying not to let these pressures and anxieties keep me from moving forward in the direction i want and at the pace and manner i feel is most beneficial. i want to, in fact, come out of this phase more confident and purposeful after all. :3 and I certainly don’t want to rush into another unstable situation.

ANYWAY, i digress. there was something else i wanted to mention regarding transition… oh right! to my surprise, i have been correctly gendered by strangers in public several times recently, so.. transition working? of course, it's more important that it's working for me, helping me care more about and for myself.i don't think i actually pass, but i'm starting to feel more relaxed when going out. confidence, sense of self, things i'm learning to feel for the first time, in a kind of fake-it-til-you-make-it sort of way. but wow, who would have thought that transitioning could help improve your mental health? the prior year had been kind of terrifying, but we are so back!! <- the fake it til you make it i mentioned.

let’s move on. as part of the decluttering and wardrobe projects, i put together a donation box of some lingering pre-transition clothes. i then reorganized my entire closet, trying to make my clothing decisions simpler and less overwhelming. my space feels so much tidier! i also cleaned and rearranged my office work space, which magically extended into the organization of files on my computer and my email inboxes, fun stuff! fun stuff. i love organizing, taking things out of containers and putting them into different containers. Brain go brrr (sometimes I think I let things become a chaotic disorganized mess so i can organize the mess later haha)

another thing I’ve learned is that i enjoy cooking meals. i’ve reframed my view of cooking from being something of a chore to being a rewarding experience and a bigger part of my weekly routine. i like that it helps add structure to my day. i think I realized that the part of cooking that felt a chore was actually the shopping. i do like shopping, don’t get me wrong—spending is my vice after all—but grocery shopping for specific meals is difficult for me. so, i made a decision to start using a meal kit delivery service. it removes the shopping hurdle and helps me commit to cooking dinner at least 3 or 4 nights a week. not bad for someone who was ordering doordash daily just a year ago.

*sigh* some nights when i’m cooking one of these meals, my mind drifts off into imagery of myself being a mousewife, keeping the house nice and tidy, cooking meals for matti to eat when he gets home. being his dessert.

ahem, in creative news, i’ve become more content with my art output recently. I would absolutely love to be creating more, but i am still happy that I get to make art at all. i kind of want to draw something to represent that contentment. still, i’m happy to say i did draw a couple pieces since my last entry – hopefully they’re up in my gallery by now. maddie was supposed to get on that. site updates have been slow, but i like knowing i have all the time in the world to work on it. it’s just a long-term art project that doesn’t ever really have a definitive end or timeline.

so yeah! things are still going in a positive direction. i’ve kinda got some DBT skills running in the background processes of my brain lately, i’m feeling more present, more mindful, more focused. the tangible little life tasks I’ve been chipping away at are keeping me grounded, and the more i find fulfillment in my daily routines and a greater appreciation for… life or something(?), I have less need to doomscroll, or to need validation from some people online. (validation is still welcome btw) that’s kind of another reason i like ranting on this little site, i don’t really feel like I’m in the online hellscape, there’s a barrier between here and social media, and I make updates solely for myself. 😊 being less online (probably only like 6% less) has absolutely been a breath of fresh air. and I’ve also been able to spend more time with friends in-person, which is such a blessing. we may even go to the amusement park this summer!! maddie is so social now!!!! <- the fake it til you make it i mentioned.

with that, this update must conclude. Next time, we’ll discuss my journey into socialism, which I understand to mean, being a more social person.

xXmouseblogXx

(7/4/2025):

hey you left some letters capitalized. fire your editor

squeakcake

(7/4/2025):

lmao shut up XD

squeakcake

(7/14/2025):

i turned 32 today. wooooo. hooooooo. i spent my day watching matrix revolutions with my friends and attending therapy like a good mouse. if you haven't noticed, i have indeed become obsessed with the matrix since watching the first movie in May. yay for enjoying a new piece of media! the premise is so fascinating to me; i can easily get lost in it. while there are infinite creative directions you could explore on the foundation of the matrix universe, i really do love the storyline and characters that we get a glimpse of in the films. i care them. the matrix comics is currently on my to-read list.

i then went so far as to set up my very own discord server thanks to the matrix, created to coordinate movie nights for the trilogy (which i have successfully hosted over the past few weeks). i'm so proud of myself for putting myself out there socially and trusting myself and my friends. i plan to keep the server for the occasional game or movie night in the future. ^-^

i've also been spending more time with friends in-person, "irl" as i still call it. it's been so rewarding to go out and just do normal social things with the wonderful, beautiful people i care about. in fact, last week, my friends and i went to Cedar Point! remember when i said that was a possibility? we made it happen! and i prepared prepared prepared. concerned about my tendency to overheat on my meds, i put in a large Amazon order for: sunhat, neck fan, handheld fan (x2), towels, anti-sweat powder(??), and more. thank Dog the weather was absolutely perfect, temperate, overcast, simply pleasant.

additionally, the park was not overly crowded; our longest wait time was 45 minutes. That was the line for Steel Vengeance which might just be my new favorite ride after this visit. even so, the hypercoaster that stole the show was the Magnum XL. get this... 0-minute wait time. we rode that thing 4 times! it was so fun. i couldn't help but notice how happy i looked in all the ride photos; i was clearly having a blast haha

by the end of the day, we had hit all the rides we wanted, while still having time to take the breaks we needed for chatting and snacking, or meandering through the petting zoo. it must have been my favorite visit to the park QwQ the week after, we went to see the new superman movie. unlocked: new appreciation for normal friendship activities! alas, the movie was fun, but not nearly as woke as i was promised.

in other news, i did actually attend a local DSA meeting recently. i still need to learn more about the organization's ideology, the positions they endorse, then weigh that against my own principles. but it was cool to see a little of how they operate. i do hope to volunteer some of my time with DSA eventually, particularly in roles relating to 2026 ballot initiatives. as part of this push to get myself involved, i have begun to proselytize the DSA to my sisters and friends: "let's all get radicalized together!" i'm pleased that they were receptive to my invitation because figuring out this whole civic engagement thing will feel a lot safer and sustainable in good company.

i hope these step open up opportunities to dialogue with others and hear about their stances and their solutions. i want to treat it as a kind of sanity check, to see if anyone out there shares my vision. at the same time, i want to refine my thinking by asking "what is realistic?" so, i hope i hear the stances/proposals of likeminded people. in the meantime.. i'm stuck with a lot of disorganized thoughts about politics.. eating away at me..

*long sigh*

..i tend to idealize what the future could be, i'm like, surely we have evolved enough to create a utopian, (hopefully hedonistic) society, and surely we have the means to implement it if we just believe hard enough... right? so yeah, i may need some guidance on grounding my ideals a touch. ...but seriously, only a touch, right?? am i really so naive for thinking we could collectively dream a lot bigger?

what i wish to see is for the left to go all in on some sort of new mega-FDR plan that shakes things up tremendously. like, use the green new deal or something as a starting point, get a liiiiiittle more imaginative with it, rebrand the shit out of it to fit to moment, like, "a long overdue return on the investment made by working Americans.". idk is that something? i just feel like the dem's messaging is horrendous, lacking any vision. i say, campaign on trains! build the rail!

digress, much? oops, back to irl. i mean, not to brag, but i am making progress on other life tasks, some mentioned in previous journals, it's just been incredibly slow. i'm revisiting my resume, might put out some applications in August. maybe taking a step like that will light some spark of motivation. don't mention the weed, maddie. don't confess, don't repent. don't acknowledge that it probbaly 100% impacting my capacity to "do".

*sob*

in conclusion: friendship, good; socialism, intriguing; matrix, captivating; roller coaster, fun.

xXmouseblogXx

(7/24/2025):

yooo happy birthday cake

xXmouseblogXx

(7/24/2025):

wait wtf you did not send that on the 14th ??? u'r talking about things that happened on like the 20th lmao